I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
