I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
