I could have mohawked her pubes.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
