id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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