I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
