ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize