Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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