Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
