the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
