I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
