She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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