He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
