Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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