I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You have to summon your inner elephant
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize