she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
