I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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