All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just gargled with NyQuil
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
