did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
