The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
