The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
