Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
