He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize