someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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