guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
