Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
