this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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