i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
