my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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