God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
