I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm both gender and math confused
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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