Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
