i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
