I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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