just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
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