he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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