Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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