I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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