a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
