i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
