Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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