If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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