You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
