I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
