I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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