I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
