I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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