a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
