i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize