mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
