Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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