Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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