My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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