We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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