Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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