The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
