Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
