remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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