I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Randomize
