well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
