Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Randomize
