I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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