you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize