No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
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