Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I believe in your delicious
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
