dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
