Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
