I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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