I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
