I wannas sexs uuuuu
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
