My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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