the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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