I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
