there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
