so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
