Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
